Day 19

Well folks in approximately one hours time I'll be five days in to my quit attempt.

If you back track through these blogs you'll begin to realise that five days smoke free is probably more of a surprise to me than it is to anyone else. Also even my wife has mentioned that it doesn't seem to have my brain fried like my last attempt way back when when I tried the 24 hour patches.

It has to be said that not all of my success can be be attributed to Champix. Whether I need to smoke is irrelevant, I still want to smoke. Whether I'm suffering true cravings or not I am definitely fantasizing over the gentle sting of smoke against the back of my throat and the general feeling of well being that comes from having a cigarette. Why am I telling you this? Because today, five days in, I'm missing smoking big time. Why? At work something happened that really pissed me off. Not going to go in to details but because my new project hasn't got started yet I'm getting tasks assigned because I'm available rather than because I should be doing them. I can't even argue because I really am available but shouldn't be. If this makes no sense don't worry. The point is that I had to agree to do something that makes me really angry and, worse, had to bite my lip and kid on I wasn't angry. I have a coping mechanism for these situations that took years to develop:

Walk away
Smoke
Rant
Smoke
Think of ways out of it
Smoke
If you can't then make it not work
Smoke
If that doesn't work turn the situation to your advantage

My golden bullet was stolen from under me. The above has prevented me from murder in the past and today I had no escape. A huge rage came over me whilst my sensible head said 'calm down, have a smoke, think about it and you'll figure it out'. Champix doesn't supply coping mechanisms. I checked the packaging and it's not mentioned anywhere. It sounds daft to say but I'm known as quite a rational and even tempered person. The reason is that I have learnt to:

Walk Away
Smoke
Rant etc, etc.

Don't worry. No murders ensued and, more importantly, I didn't smoke. Problem is that the above worked because of the smoke. Why are you walking away? To smoke. Why are you smoking? To breathe deeply and calm down. Who do you rant to? People not involved in my dilemma (smokers) who see things rationally whilst I'm incapable of it. People who suggest ways to sabotage the dilemma or make it work to my advantage. Smoking is networking at it's evil best. I may have given up smoking but I still need smokers round about me. I feel I'm missing out.

So why am I persisting with this attempt if it's not the Champix restraining me. Well, silly as it may seem, I don't want to blow away five days worth of achievement on one cigarette. I'm a stubborn git and won't give in that easy even though I want to. If I was to give in at this point one cig wouldn't do. I'd need at least 60 to make up for the past five days. So now I'm stuck. That rational part of me has served me very well over the years and I can't lose it but I need new coping mechanisms and fast.

Oh by the way... I wasn't kidding about the competition. I genuinely need an excuse for why I've given up now, after 30 years, that lets smokers know that I'm still one of the clan whilst warning the anti smoking lobby to stay well clear of me and never dare to count me a victory. You can comment anonymously and I'll not quote you on the blog.

More tomorrow